Teenagers...Whatever

Parenting...probably the scariest subject we have talked about in class so far. I have wonderful parents. They are seriously the best. But, looking back at my behavior growing up, I was a trouble child. I made mistakes and caused my parents grief, so I know that even if you're the best parent in the world, your children are going to test you, especially during the teenage years. I have found so much useful information in lecture and the readings today to help me feel more confident in being able to become a parent, and I'd like to share some significant things I've learned.

First is the idea of respect. I  watched the first four video in Popkin's course on how to be an active parent, and found a lot of raising teenagers is based on respect. You really have to love and respect your teenagers enough to treat them in a way that will positively affect their behavior. This doesn't mean being controlling or a dictator and it ESPECIALLY doesn't mean coddling, enabling, or being permissive. Respecting teenagers gives them the chance to be treated like an adult by providing them with choices, but not allowing them to escape the consequences of those choices. "Responsibility = Choice + Consequences"

It's all about encouraging good behavior. "Encourage" comes from the French word “cour” meaning “heart.” Encouragement not only needs to come from our hearts, but it needs to be directed at the hearts of our teenagers. When I look at all the bad decisions I’ve made while I was a teenager (heck, I still am a teenager…), my motivation for correcting my behavior might have been spurred by my parents, but it really came from a sense of self-worth and how I wanted to become the best me.

That being said, a lot of effective parenting comes from building their children’s self-worth and having them seem their highest, true potential. A study done by Morris Rosenburg (1965) found that children whose parents were involved and interested in their adolescents’ lives had more self-esteem and felt valued by their parents. They were less likely to have behavioral problems because they didn’t want to disappoint those who loved and cared about them and because they knew they were worth more than the poor decisions.

Parenting is rough. But we can do it.  In the Book of Mormon, 1 Nephi 3:7 says that the Lord would never ask us to do something we couldn’t do. He will provide a way, but we have to be like Nephi, have courage, and learn to respect our children enough to be firm, but loving. Understanding and forgiving, but not enabling. Respectful and not detrimental.

Why Fathers are Important

This week we talked about finances in the family, but we also wrote a paper on the importance of fatherhood. Because there are so many General Conference talks on the subject, I have always known that fathers are important for the spiritual welfare of their children, but this chapter and writing assignment has really sparked my curiosity about how the secular world views the importance of fathers.

The first two points of this post come from Chapter 2 of the manual published by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services called The Importance of Fathers in the Healthy Development of Children (Sounds like the perfect source for what I want to know, don't it?), and the last two come from Sister Elaine Dalton, former General Young Women President, as she gave her talk "Love Her Mother" (I'm really liking this link thing...can you tell?) in the October 2011 General Conference.

1. Having a father promotes cognitive ability. This is because their children have the advantage of learning both gender roles' forms of communication and are better equipped to handle the stresses that come with school and learning

2. Children with fathers are more confident and emotionally secure and have better social connections because the father is attentive. They explore more because they have learned from an early age that they can trust someone big and strong to be there when they need it.

3. Fathers push achievement and teach independence and self-control. This is actually done mostly through how fathers typically play with children. Unlike mothers, who have to watch over all the kids at once, fathers are more prone to one-on-one, stimulating forms of play that teach children how to handle physical stresses and to be independent

4. Fathers are an example to both sons and daughters of what men should (or should not) be. Sons will have someone to model themselves after. Daughters will have someone to compare men to when looking for a good spouse. My being the example of what a man should be, fathers teach their children how to be better.

5. Fathers are the priesthood leaders and the guardians of virtue in their homes.

I think we can conclude from this that fathers are needed not just for spiritual reasons, but for secular as well. Children need fathers, guys. I'm seen it first hand and now I have the studies and spiritual leaders to prove it.

Sarcasm: Yea or Nay?

As the title suggests, the question was brought up in class this week (as we were discussing effective and non-effective communication) of whether or not sarcasm is a bad thing and, if not, if it can be used as a good thing. I started thinking about my own family and how often sarcasm is used, and what it is used for within my nuclear family's communication. The stand that I'm going to take on this one is that sarcasm, while most often destructive, can also be constructive.

Let me start out by saying that my mom hates sarcasm. She believes it is, and I quote, "just an excuse to be mean." And, frankly, it is. But conflict and arguments can be used in a positive way, and so can sarcasm. Let me explain.

Lauer and Lauer (2012) say that there are appropriate times to use "destructive" messages when communicating. Sarcasm, because of its double meaning and teasing nature, is a destructive message, but like all the other destructive messages, it has its time and place. "But if [it] become[s] part of a style of communication or of they are used too frequently or at inappropriate times, they impede effective communication and corrode the relationship." The trick is to balance it with constructive messages. 

Sarcasm and teasing can also help strengthen the bonds in family relationships. For me, there's something about the fact that someone feels close enough to tease me that makes me feel close in return. I think it has to do with the fact that they feel comfortable enough withdrawing from my emotional bank account. Stephen Covey developed the idea of an EBA (or Emotional Bank Account) into which people could deposit or from which they withdraw, building or harming relationships, respectively. The idea is to make 5 deposits for every 1 withdraw. Also, it's important to know what are withdraws and what are deposits for different people, because they are both subjective. 

Applying the EBA to sarcasm, it's important to make sure our constructive messages are much greater than our destructive messages, and that we make sure teasing and sarcasm are deposits, not withdraws, before we practice them. It's also important to not become addicted to sarcasm, so that when we are in a situation when it would not be wise to use it, we can stop ourselves.

I'd like to hear everyone else's opinions on this. What  do you think about sarcasm. Try to convince me that I'm wrong. I'm really interested in the arguments you guys can come up with.

Empathy and the Double ABCX

Sorry guys! This post has been a draft for about 4 days, unbeknownst to me. It seems I forgot to publish it. Well, it has been rediscovered and officially made part of this blog!

This week we talked about "The Family Under Stress." This included things like infidelity, family contention, and family crises. This post will concentrate on the last of these.

People are always telling us that we are sent trials for a reason, and sometimes that reason is just so that we can help others overcome similar trials. When I was young and inexperienced, I honestly thought this was a stupid reason. Couldn't we be just as effective helping people without having to suffer ourselves? Well, the answer to that question, as I found out in class today, is "No."

First of all, there's a difference between sympathy and empathy. Sympathy just means you feel sorry for someone, not really that you relate to their pain. Empathy, on the other hand, has some relatability to it. According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary, empathy is defined as "the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present" One who experiences empathy has experienced similar circumstances and therefore feels a vicarious pain or struggle along with the suffering person. There is either a sense of helplessness or a sense of hypocrisy. Empathy is deeper and more effective in helping people, but can only be experienced if the empathizer has experienced similar trials.

Secondly, there are some resources and perspectives that can only be obtained through experiencing trial. By going through hard times, you gain knowledge and understanding of how to deal with those challenges effectively. To help explain this, McCubbin and Patterson developed a modified version of Reuben Hill's ABCX model simply called the Double ABCX model. The idea is that the results of the first time you encounter a stressor influence the second time you encounter it. This plays into helping others because you, with your already-altered paradigms, can help them see what you do.

So, the next time your Young Women Leader tell you that going through trials can help you help others, listen. Because there's definitely more than a little truth in that.

FBO

Keeping old boyfriends on Facebook is a bad idea.

After getting married, having such an availability to men who you used to have feelings for can lead to emotional infidelity. Lauer and Lauer as well as Van Epp, all experienced and published marriage and family therapists, have found that talking and spending time (even online) with someone is a great precursor to feeling in love. This can lead to emotional affairs. Emotional affairs, as described in a paper by Professor Gardner of BYU-I, are very discrete. Both parties don't even have to know what's happening. But that emotional attachment can still be there.

Hopefully you see how keeping friends with ex's on the good'ol F.B. is a bad idea foe the stability of a marriage.

Why Does the Guy Have to Pay?

This week I learned something fascinating, something that goes against almost every date I've ever been on. Want to know what it is? Of course you do, don't lie :)
This week we started out talking about dating. We brought up the purpose of dating, which is so become self-aware and to socialize. But it is ALSO to help couples prepare for their roles as mothers and fathers as outlined in the Family: a Proclamation to World.

Let me explain:

The definition of a date is the 3 P's 
1. Planned
2. Paired Off
3. Paid for

The responsibilities of a father are also 3 P's
1. Preside
2. Protect
3. Provide

Do you see the similarities? The three P's of dating match up with the 3 P's of fatherhood. Therefore, when a guy plans a date, goes with a specific girl, and pays for it, he is practicing the duties he will have as a husband and father.

Now where does a girl's role fit in? Because I know I've planned A LOT of dates over my dating career, and I've heard, too, that if a girl plans a date, that she should pay for it. So is that a bad idea., then?
The answer is yes. It is a bad idea. If you, like me, take that responsibility away from the young men you date (or a let a young woman take it from you), you are robbing him (yourself), of the opportunity to assume these important roles.
A girl's role in all this is that of a nurturer. After all, that's what is outlined in the Proclamation for her. Of course that doesn't mean sitting quietly and never having an opinion or idea when it comes to what you want to do for a date. What it means is nurturing and encouraging the young man to fulfill his duty. You can still have input for, but not control of the date.

Getting in the habit of taking over the planning of a date leads to the practice of the wife presiding over the family. This is not the structure Heavenly Father for marriages, nor for dating.

My Family as Food!

This week we had to compare our families to something--in other words, come up with a metaphor to describe our families. Want to know what I picked? What else? Food! Each family member was a different ingredient in a 3-course meal, and my mom and dad were the chefs. If you know my family personally, see if you can guess who is who.

The appetizers were crackers with basil pesto and cherry tomatoes

The entre was salmon seasoned with lemon pepper with side of grilled pineapple

And last, but not least, is the ice cream sundae for dessert, complete with mint chocolate chip ice cream, dark chocolate sauce, and a candy cherry on top

I chose a three-course meal because, while we are all bonded as a family (or a meal), there are different subgroups (or courses), that are made up of very different people (or ingredients) with different personalities (or flavors) that work together to create something...delicious!

This movie is a beautiful reminder of what our relationship with our Heavenly Father should be like.

Tricky Subjects...

This week focused on some sensitive subjects in family relations. Namely, we talked about gender roles, sexism, and same-sex attraction. The most significant learning experience I had this week was reading Chapter 8 in Understanding Same-Sex Attraction by Daryl Bem.

My belief about Same-Sex Attraction had always been that while there are chemical imbalances and brain differences, being gay is a choice. I believed that we are all given our own trials and weaknesses, so we could learn to put our faith in God. In Ether 12:27 we read,

"I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

However, in the reading, what really stood out to me were the environmental factors. For example, when we treat naturally-born sensitive and creative little boys like there's something wrong with them because they don't like wrestling and playing soccer, they start to feel like there must be something different about them. They might even be called gay by their peers who don't even really know what that means. Also, if a child is sexually abused, or looks at same-sex pornography, and they find that arouses them, they start to think that must be the way they are--they're attracted to the same sex. This, of course, isn't true. There is such things as nonspecific autonomic arousal. 

This just emphasizes to me that as the world changes, I will have to teach my kids about homosexuality earlier than I would like to. Of course sensitivity and care and a lot of editing will take place in these conversations, realizing that many self-proclaimed homosexuals are that way because they just don't understand themselves leads me to conclude that getting rid of confusion is the first step to prevent homosexuality.

CES Devotional

This is a fantastic devotional by Elder Oaks regarding Tolerance and Truth. I believe that we have a right to declare some forms of family better--more effective and right--than others. This doesn't mean we can't tolerate others' beliefs, but it doesn't mean that we can condone them, either.

Systems

This week we focused on different theories when it comes to families, especially the Family Systems Theory. This theory emphasizes that families are made of parts that are NOT independent; what happens to one member affects the others. Often, subsystems arise within the system of a family. For example, parents are (or at least should be) a subsystem because they interact in unique ways as opposed to interacting with their children.

Here are some more characteristics of Family Systems Theory:

1: Problems aren't located in individuals themselves, but rather in the communication between them. So if we drew it all out and we had circles representing family members and lines connecting them representing their communication, the break wouldn't be in the circles, it would be in the lines.

2.Circular causality. Sometimes there isn't one "cause" to a problem, but the multiple causes affect each other in a circular pattern. For example, Becky feels like her mom is always on her case, so she doesn't like being around Mom. Mom feels like she wouldn't need to be after Becky quite so much if she would just talk to her. Is Becky's withdrawn attitude the problem or is it the micromanaging mom? They both are--they work together in a circle patter, affecting each other.

3. Rules are a result of redundant action. We learn the unspoken "rules" of our family through repetition  If your mom constantly gets mad when you badger her, you learn constantly reminding mom is not a good idea.

4. Feedback loops guide behavior. There's positive feedback, which just means it's feedback that encourages the same behavior, regardless of whether or not the behavior itself is positive (Laughing when a son kicks the dog instead of correcting him is positive feedback.) Negative feedback is just corrective feedback, again regardless whether or not the behavior itself is negative. (Parents pressuring their recently converted child to stop going to church is negative feedback)

5.Conflicting messages contributes to relationship problems. Sending conflicting messages is called double binding, and can actually lead to schizophrenia as people don't know which message to follow.

6. In family systems, all members have their roles. There's the peacemaker, the motivator, the hero, the clown, the problem child, etc... Roles can change when children move out, but they often find themselves drifting back into their old roles when they return home.

7.Going along with subsystems, there are different kinds of boundaries defining relationships with other people. Diffuse boundaries are like fence posts with not fence between--a little too open. Rigid boundaries are like cinder block walls keeping anything and everything out. Healthy, clear boundaries are like cute picket fences: friendly, open, but a definite and clear boundary. Another observation: Picket fences aren't made to be straddled. Think about that one.

Family systems, all summed up, is about synergy. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. The system and relationships in a family contribute things that would otherwise not be able to be created.

2 Quotes and Some Thoughts

Today we looked at two quotes from presidents of the Church and were asked to offer our thoughts. I thought I'd share with you the quotes as well as what I wrote.

.:The Quotes:.

“There are multitudes of pure and holy spirits waiting to take tabernacles, now what is our duty?—To prepare tabernacles for them; to take a course that will not tend to drive those spirits into the families of the wicked, where they will be trained in wickedness, debauchery, and every species of crime. It is the duty of every righteous man and woman to prepare tabernacles for all the spirits they can.”

 - President Brigham Young

"You did not come on earth just to “eat, drink and be merry.” You came knowing full well your responsibilities. You came to get for yourself a mortal body that could become perfected, immortalized, and you understood that you were to act in partnership with God in providing bodies for other spirits equally anxious to come to the earth for righteous purposes. And so you will not postpone parenthood. There will be rationalists who will name to you numerous reasons for postponement. Of course, it will be harder to get your college degrees or your financial start with a family, but strength like yours will be undaunted in the face of difficult obstacles. 

“Have your family as the Lord intended. Of course it is expensive, but you will find a way, and besides, it is often those children who grow up with responsibility and hardships who carry on the world’s work. And, John and Mary, do not limit your family as the world does. I am wondering now where I might have been had my parents decided arbitrarily that one or two children would be enough, or that three or four would be all they could support, or that even five would be the limit; for I was the sixth of eleven children. Don’t think you will love the later ones less or have few material things for them. Perhaps like Jacob, you might love the eleventh one most. Young people, have your family, love them, sacrifice for them, teach them righteousness, and you will be blessed and happy all the days of your eternal lives.“

 - President Spencer W. Kimball (in an open letter to all young couples, found here in the Ensign, June 1975)

.:My Thoughts:.

One of the purposes of Latter-day Saints is to bring souls to Christ. We do this through missionary work, strengthening members around us, but we can also do this by bringing children into our families. If not to our families, where might those souls be sent? Would they have the same knowledge and opportunities? Would they be able to reach their true potential? Like Brigham Young said, we have a duty to provide a place where spirit sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father can enjoy the blessings of growing in and learning from a righteous family.

Also, Spencer W. Kimball mentioned that “Of course [raising children] is expensive, but you will find a way…” I believe that when we walk by faith and follow the Lord’s commandments, he opens doors for us that we never even knew existed. We learn from Nephi that the Lord doesn’t give commandments unless He makes a way for us to follow them. Sometimes decisions are difficult—my dad had to go back to school in order to provide for his growing family—but when something as important as eternal families is on the line, those decisions have to be made.

One more thing I forgot to mention...

Today in class we asked the question "Does the mother working cause her to have fewer children or does having fewer children cause the mother to work?" (...or something along those lines) and I thought this question had some application to my whole "6 of 9" deal.
At first I was thinking, "Well, a mother wouldn't need to go to work if she had fewer children to provide for..." but then I double guessed myself.
Because, you see, my mom had 9 kids, and never worked. My best friend's mom had 10 kids and she never worked. And thinking on both of these amazing, strong women, I realized that perhaps the number of children could, indeed, influence the decision to work. A woman with less children would be done raising them sooner, for sure, and could then go to work as a source of fulfillment once they had all moved out while a woman with more kids would spend more of their life caring for children (like, my mom's in her mid-50s and still has a 10-year-old in the house). But also, I think that women who have lots of children do so because they are dedicated to them. They see bringing children into this world as their first priority. Because of that, they are less likely to go to work and more likely to spend more time raising their many children.
Not saying that if you are a working mother means that you don't love your children, or that the number of children you have is correlated to the amount of love you feel for them, just that the number of children one has CAN influence the decision to go to work.
Just another thought I had.
:)

Alright, now for the interesting stuff...

Over the weekend, I had the chance to study a long list of social changes happening in the modern world that have some significant implications for the family. They are as follows:
1) Premarital Sex ^
2) Births out of Wedlock ^
3) Living Alone ^
4) Cohabitation ^
5) Delayed Marriage
6) Birth Rate Falling
7) Household Size Falling
8) Employed Mothers ^
9) Divorce ^
("^" means that the rates are going up)

Now, while some might not seem very significant or detrimental to family life (like, more people are living alone, so what? Or waiting to get married--is that such a big deal?), follow my lead and take another look. Upon inspection, all these trends are so closely related and interconnected that they all affect each other. For example, take the fact that people are waiting longer to get married. Why could that be seen as a problem?
Well, women that wait till 26/27/28 to get married (because, say, they are too dedicated to their career) might find that their biological window for having kids is a lot smaller now and, therefore, won't be able to have as many kids. This contributes to the falling birth rate and household sizes, as well as to more lonely, unsatisfied people.
Also, WHY are people delaying marriage? Several of these patterns apply to this question as well. Because premarital sex and cohabitation are common practices now-a-days, people can get some of the benefits and pleasures from being married without having to make that commitment.
And that was just one example. See if you can find more connections between these social changes and how they can effect the future of families of the United States.
Till Next Time!

Hey guys!

Just an introduction of my blog here (as well as a post to test if people are able to comment). This blog was originally started for my Family Relations class and will be where I can comment or discuss impressions and bits of information I find interesting as I complete this semester. I love learning about families and their relationships with each other, so I'm really excited for this course! Feel free to comment on any and all of my posts, just remember to be respectful to other people's views and cultures as I endeavor to do the same.